


everything you ever

by clayisforgirls



Category: EastEnders
Genre: Homophobia, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-16
Updated: 2015-07-16
Packaged: 2018-04-09 17:11:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,791
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4357511
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/clayisforgirls/pseuds/clayisforgirls
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“Syed, you don’t know what love it... and it is certainly not with that man.”</p><p>“I’m gay,” he starts, voice more than slightly raised but it doesn’t make a difference because he’s been on the receiving end of one of his mother’s speeches too many times to count and him interrupting isn’t going to get him anywhere.</p><p> </p><p>Originally posted in July 2010, after Christian was beaten up after the big reveal. I miss these two! The only reason I watched EE.</p>
            </blockquote>





	everything you ever

Being back in Walford this soon hadn’t been his plan. If he’s honest he hadn’t had much of a plan when he’d run, just his credit card and wanting to be away from the Square, away from the people he’d hurt and the lies he’d let run out of control. Three nights hadn’t been enough to clear his head but it had been more than enough of the tiny cramped bed of the hotel he’d been staying in, the one where he’d cried for everything he’d lost and everyone he’d hurt until the sun rose and when the sun had peeked through the curtains on the first morning he’d felt lighter, like he could start putting his life back together if his family would accept him back, if Christian wouldn’t be too hurt by him running from something that felt so right.

He’s not running anymore. He can’t, Tamwar’s message had made him realise his stupidity, because he should have been here. It’s his fault that he’s walking through almost deserted hospital corridors, trying to follow the signs to the ICU even though he seems to be walking in circles, and every person he passes seems to be able to see right through him. He’s glad Walford General isn’t near enough the Square for the news to spread around that he’s back, because he doesn’t need that right now. What he does need is to see Christian.

The doors to the ICU swoosh closed behind him, the only sounds the rustle of paper and the snap of gum, and they’re both coming from the nurse at the front desk. Who’s looking straight at him.

“Are you lost?” she asks him, and he blinks in surprise. “Visiting hours are over, sweetie.”

“I- I need to see someone. His name’s Christian. Christian Clarke.”

“I’m sorry, but-“

“Please,” he says, almost pleading because he needs this, can’t wait until the morning to see him because it’s just too long, “just a few minutes. I just need to see him.”

Long look from the nurse and she nods, probably because she can see something that looks stupidly like love written all over his face, and she gestures to him to follow her down the hallway. He does, purposefully not looking at the other patients, doesn’t want to see what’s wrong with them or how they’re doing because each one is a reminder of what Christian could be like.

“You have five minutes,” she tells him softly, and then she’s gone and it’s only once he’s truly alone that he can bring himself to look away from the label stating ‘Clarke, C.’ beside the door.

It doesn’t make him gasp, he looks beaten and though his face is swollen it’s no worse than last time. But he’s never seen Christian so lifeless; even in his sleep he’s forever shifting, slowing stealing the covers and wrapping his feet around them until Syed wakes up shivering and there were nights when he was sure Christian was doing it on purpose, loved rolling him over in the middle of the night and warming him through with his hands and mouth. Not now though, the only sign he’s alive is the slight rise and fall of his chest and the white line that flickers across the screen every time his heart beats.

The guilt every time he kissed Christian, every time he had sex with Christian, was nothing compared to this, his stomach curling in on itself until he feels nauseous and he forces himself to breathe because Christian doesn’t need to wake up with him lying on another ward. It shouldn’t have been Christian lying in the hospital, it should have been him who’d had the shit kicked out of him, should have been him with bruises marring his too-pale skin. If he hadn’t run it would have been him, Qadim would have come looking for him, not Christian, and he’s the one who deserved it, the punishment for deceiving his family and the people he loved.

Though, this might be suitable punishment too, can’t tear his eyes away from Christian, palm resting against the glass and all he wants to do is tough him, to feel his pulse below to skin to make sure he’s alive. But this is the closest he can get until visiting hours and though he doesn’t want to leave, he’s not sure he can face anyone seeing him here. He hates this, hates just waiting for Christian to wake up, hates that he’s not considered family even though they’ve been almost-but-not-together for a year but it counts for nothing. They can’t tell him anything, not what’s wrong with Christian, not even if it’s serious or if he’ll be out of here in a week and be the same old Christian he knows, not the hollow replica in a hospital bed, one that’s covered in bruises that weren’t meant for him.

Time means nothing to him, he can’t bring himself to drag his eyes away from the bed, from the heartbeat flashing across the screen, not even when footsteps echo down the corridor, steadily approaching him until he can feel them hovering almost to his side, and he’s about to bed to stay just a little longer when he catches an all-too familiar reflection in the glass.

“Syed,” she says, and he ducks his head, not willing to meet her eyes even if it is a reflection. He’s not ready for this, wouldn’t even be here if it wasn’t for Tamwar’s message that’d started ‘mum’ll kill me but’ and he’d half laughed, because it wouldn’t be Tamwar she’d look to kill first.

“Mum. Dad.” he replies, eyes still not wavering from Christian, the only person here who deserves attention. “Why are you here?”

“Tamwar... mentioned that he had told you about Christian,” his mother says and he bites back a laugh, because her hesitance reads like an open book. She wouldn’t stop until Tamwar had told her he’d told Syed, and she’d probably been waiting out here ever since. He wouldn’t put anything past Zainab Masood, even if that meant stalking her own son.

“We wanted to make sure you were okay.”

“I’m fine,” and he has to grit his teeth as he says it, because he’s anything but fine, “I don’t think Christian would appreciate you being here.”

“I thought you weren’t going to see him anymore.”

And so did he, but there’s this pull between them that he can’t describe. Breaking promises isn’t what he intended to do but he hasn’t been able to stay away from Christian since the first time they kissed, no matter how hard he tried.

“We’ve missed you, Syed. Your mother and I want you to come home.”

“Let me guess, under the condition I never see him again.”

They have to decency to at least look guilty but it’s something he could see coming a mile away. He’s already been there twice, tried to do the right thing for his family and both times he’s just ended up running back to Christian. He’s not stupid enough to think that the third time will be any different.

“We love you, but this is wrong. It is forbidden for a man to be with another man. You have brought shame to this family over... over this thing you should have resisted-”

“But I love him, mum!” and it’s such a relief to admit that, the first time he’s allowed himself since he walked out of Albert Square but it’s true. He does love Christian, more than he’s ever loved anyone else.

“Syed, you don’t know what love it... and it is certainly not with that man.”

“I’m gay,” he starts, voice more than slightly raised but it doesn’t make a difference because he’s been on the receiving end of one of his mother’s speeches too many times to count and him interrupting isn’t going to get him anywhere.

“These feelings, Syed, they are not real. He seduced you, made you think that you are in love with him but it is a mistake and we are going to find you a nice girl to settle down with and he can stop playing with your mind once and for all.”

That’s his breaking point, can’t listen to his mother preach about something she knows nothing about, can’t listen to her talk about Christian like he’s some kind of predator.

“He- he didn’t, mum. I kissed him. And it is not a mistake. I love him, I married a lovely girl but all I wanted was him.”

It almost stops her in her tracks, flicker of disgust on her face before she continues. “You’re just confused. Amira was just not the right girl for you. Maybe you just weren’t compatible in the bedroom. It was your first time, there will be a girl out there for you.” Eyes dart to the floor, because he can’t tell his mother that he’d had sex before his marriage to Amira, but he can feel his face burning and when he looks up again, he can see she’s realised. “It is not the worst thing you have done Syed, and in time, Allah will forgive you.”

“But not if they were men,” he mumbles, words spilling out before he can help himself and he feels the slap before he sees it coming, his mother’s eyes flashing with anger and disgust and he takes a step back, wishing he’d never come back to Walford. Even running from his landlord in Manchester was better than this. “I think it would be best if you left, mum.”

“When you are over this phase Syed, you know you are welcome at home.”

Biting his lip to stop himself from saying something stupid to start the argument again he lets her walk past him, definitely not meeting his eyes. His father pauses as he walks past, resting a hand on his shoulder and giving him a half smile.

“I’ll talk to her. But this is hard on everyone.”

He nods, not for the first time wishing he had a more understanding family or that everyone in his could be like Tamwar. But they’re not and he loves his parents, and though he knows it won’t be the last time they have this conversation he hopes that at least one of them is closer to understanding that he’s not going to change. He can’t. He’s tried and it didn’t work. It’s Christian that he wants to be with, that he wants to wake up every morning with, and he just hopes that in time he’ll be forgiven for inflicting so much pain on the man he loves.

For now though, he’s content to wait. It’s the only choice he’s got.

**Author's Note:**

> Title taken from "Everything You Ever" from the Doctor Horrible soundtrack.


End file.
